Thursday, February 07, 2008

Untitled Entry #68

Am I just fooling myself?

Have I just been conning myself for this past year?

Has this past year of me saying that I’d rather just be single really just been a cover-up for me wanting to get back with Mike?

But technically I’ve already admitted that to myself. Maybe it’s just the dream I’m waiting for. Maybe I’ve attached all of my hopes for the future- for love- onto him and I’m really just setting myself up for the fall. Because I know how he is. I know where his priorities lie. But not I’m afraid that I’m too deep in. I’m feeling like I’ve shut other guys out for so long that it might be near impossible right now for me to open up to someone new.

I no longer look at guys as potential suitors. I just view them as a means to an end. Someone who’s there to help me get off and then leave alone until the next time. But it’s not just that I view them this way. I feel as though they see me in a similar fashion. And those that don’t, I tend to view as saps and potential nuisances. Am I too far gone? Am I stuck in a delusional world of my own creation? Are these my insecurities or is it just me trying so hard to be different, but failing miserably?

Like most people, I just wish things could be so much easier. But I guess this is just apart of life to see if we’re strong enough to deal.

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