Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Eating Alone

For the first time in a long time I sat down and ate a meal alone.  And not just alone, but with no distraction at all.  No book to read.  No text or phone conversation.  No game being played.  Just me, my plate, and my thoughts.  Well, actually it was more of a container.  I bought a salad earlier today for lunch and never got around to eating it.  Anyway, it was interesting.  It wasn't a bad thing.  I didn't feel lonely at all.  I wasn't salting my salad with my tears of loneliness.  Nor was it overly liberating and exciting.  It was just a thing.
I thought about the fact that I'm on this crazy diet for the next couple of weeks.  Do I need to lose weight?  You can look at my 30” waist jeans and immediately say “no.”  It's really just about health.  Sometimes you need to have a healthier diet.  My roomie suggested the idea (more for weight loss on her end, though) and so we're in it together.  Will I stick with this after it's over?  Probably not, but I do hope that I can bring some healthier eating habits into my life.

I thought about the death of a former boss.  It's been on my mind a lot lately.  I didn't leave that job under the best of circumstances, but I never had ill will toward anyone.  If anything, I continued to look up to this woman.  She was smart, kind, and enjoyed life.  I know some people think that when I person dies, people tend to only see their best qualities, but this really isn't the case.  Her best qualities were her main qualities.  When people talked about her at the funeral, it really was her they were talking about, not some saint they created because they feel bad that she died.  And though our beliefs may not have been the same, I do still admire and hope live life at least a little like she did.

I thought about the emails that I have to send out to the parents on my little actors.  Tonight was the first rehearsal for my next show.  It's a student production of Disney's The Little Mermaid Jr.  These are the youngest actors I've ever worked with (11-14 years) so it's a little odd for me.  Especially, since I tend not to interact with children much.  I really have to stop and think about how I approach dealing with them and what I say.  I'm sure it will turn out fine though.  *fingers crossed*

And then I thought about the fact that I had really just sat down and eaten that entire container of salad and not stopped to do anything else.  How I haven't had a meal like that since I went to Miami five(?) years ago.  How have I managed to stay so distracted in my life that I can't sit down quietly and enjoy a meal without some sort of distraction?  It seems like I've become dependent on something to keep my mind occupied.  But why?  It's not totally scary in my head all the time.  Sometimes it's actually good to hang out in there.  Maybe I should find some more time to do it.

Meh, I don’t know…  I need to go write these emails.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Mind Spew

I haven't posted here in ages. I've been so caught up in my life that I haven't had time. And when I do have time I don't feel like I have anything worth posting. Tonight, I feel I do.

At this moment I feel like I'm writing for my sanity. I've been so in my head about so many things that I feel like I'm seriously driving myself mental. I'm worried that I'll just shut down soon. Close everyone out seclude myself and live as a hermit. Which is the exact opposite of what I want! I'm almost certain this jumble of thoughts will come out... well... jumbled, and I have no intention of trying to clear them up because this isn't for anyone else but me.

I just keep feeling lonely. I have friends, and I spend time with them, but beyond that I feel like I need that next level with someone and it's just not happening. Also, with the friends aspect, I continue to feel socially awkward. I make the effort to go out with my friends, but I tend to end up feeling like the third wheel or the odd man out. I almost always feel like I don't have much to contribute to the conversation and tend to just sit back and listen. Just sitting there and listening never gives people the chance to know you.

A lot of people think they know me. They make the usual assumptions about me from the surface aspects that they pick up. One of the biggest ones is that because I'm pretty much an out gay male I automatically am okay with being addressed in a less than masculine manner. No! Don't call me "bitch", "girl/gyrl" or anything along those lines. Please don't do the sassy gay neck roll and finger snap. They assume that I'm going to be just like that other queen-y, black gay guy that they know that has the Prada purse and goes to balls and vogues and uses the words "fabulous" and [shudders] "fierce" ad nauseam . Sorry, that's not me. Never has been. Never will be.

As for a relationship, well hell. I try not to talk about it too much because I don't want to be seen as one of those whine-y people that always feels like they need someone. That just can't seem to function in life without being in a relationship. Acting as though they're starved for love and affection and as soon as they get it, cling on to the point of suffocation. Not only do I not want to be seen as that person, I don't want to be that person. I do want to find someone special, I do want to settle down and be happy with them, but I don't want that to be my main driving point for getting to know/meet people. But I find myself doing just that. I mean someone and once I determine if there might be a spark of interest in the them the first place my mind goes is "could I be in a relationship with this person? Would it be long term?" I feel like this is crazy especially so soon, and I feel kind of clingy and stalker-ish because of it. So every time I find someone I'm interested in, I spend the entire time second guessing myself because I'm worried that I'm coming off as a clinger. Or maybe as that annoying guy that you went on a date with and thought was okay, but not enough to keep around and you kind of wish he'd stop calling/texting but you don't want to be mean because he's a nice guy and the sex was good (if things got that far). Obviously that's not who I want to be. I want to be the one you can't wait to hear from. That you call just to say hi to. I don't need 20 calls a day.

Ugh... head still not clear. Too much bottled up, too many thoughts. Maybe I should start seeing a shrink again. I haven't done that in a while.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Where the Hell have you been?

It’s been ages since I’ve written here. Partly because I’ve been busy, but mostly because I’ve been on Twitter. So much has happened since the last entry. I’m not even sure where to start. I suppose I’ll give it a try, though.

  • Michael Jackson, Farah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, Bill Mays and a few others died. Those that I named all died within a one week period, which made it kind of rough on everyone that cared. I found myself getting a little choked up whenever I heard a Michael song on the radio. And I ended up watching the funeral online while I was at work. My coworker and I cried through most of it.

  • Tracey and Amol now have an official wedding date and venue. We also have Tracey’s dress. Now we have to send out the “Save-the-date” and invitations. There’s so much more to do… but in their defense they did just buy and move into a new house. They had the housewarming last Saturday. We had a wonderful time! It was interesting considering that Erin was invited and actually showed up. Seeing as it had been more than a year since we’d seen each other, it was definitely different.
  • We’ve finally launched the website. It’s in blog form, but that’s fine as almost everything is these days. I’m not really writing for it right now as my schedule doesn’t really allow me to submerse myself in the social and stylized world of much outside of my immediate life. I will be doing light editing, though. I’m working on back editing as I was having issues logging in for a while. So I’m going backward before I go forward. If you get the chance, check us out here:
  • School has kept me pretty busy outside of work. Since I last wrote, we’ve done two plays. One was “Antigone”, a Greek tragedy in which I played the role of King Creon. Contrary to the name of the play, though Antigone is the title character, Creon is more so the lead. We then performed a Commedia dell’arte entitled “The Imaginary Autopsy/Doctor Arlecchino”. I can basically describe it as a more slapstick comedy. I played the role of the bumbling Il Dottore (the Doctor). That was probably the most fun I’ve ever had working or even performing a show. Right now, we’ve begun working on our Shakespeare play. We will be performing “Much Ado About Nothing”. We have yet to be cast, but I do know what part I want. We’ll just have to see if I get it.
  • I’ve apparently sparked enough interest with my coworker and his wife as they’ve invited me to join them for her for the third annual celebration of her 27th birthday. Their cool and interesting people so I do believe I’ll join them. I’m very much for expanding my social circle.
  • I’ve been writing fiction again and posting it online under a pseudonym. I won’t be revealing it, but I’m not disappointed about any of it.
  • It’s possible that I’ve had two accidents since the last time I posted. I can’t remember when the first one was. Regardless, that means I’ve had a total of three accidents, with only one being my fault. Luckily, my premium hasn’t gone up that much as a result of them not being my fault.
  • We went to see “The Color Purple” at the Kennedy Center the Sunday before last. It was okay. They changed some parts from the Broadway show, but left some things out, too. That definitely left me feeling not totally fulfilled. Like the things they added were good, but the things they took out, I thought added more to the story. Also, I wasn’t totally thrilled about the casting. Whoever played Shug over-sang everything. And Fantasia wasn’t bad as Celie, but she lacks the ability to really hold a note properly.
  • I know there’s more stuff, but I just can’t seem to think of it. My office has become cluttered with other people’s shit because we’re having the main part of the office redone and they need a place to store stuff for the weekend. It’s so fucking distracting and what really irks me is that no one really asked if they could, except for Camille. So because I can’t focus, I’m going to go play video juegos until some actual work comes up.

    Monday, March 16, 2009

    Waiting for my Car

    I’m sitting here at Mr. Tire’s waiting for them to finish with my car. I’m bored and the battery on my laptop is at 29%. I wish I could find a WiFi signal… *sigh* I’m stuck watching ESPN on mute. Did Lebron James just pass the ball to himself? That boy is good!

    I should be doing homework, but my mind just isn’t there. I’m so tired. My supervisor at work just had a meeting with me the other day. She said my work performance was down. I can’t say I didn’t notice it. It really just a combination of being tired all the time and not wanting to do this job anymore. It’s not that I don’t like it, it’s just that it isn’t what I want to do. So it’s not holding the interest the way I need it to. Unfortunately, I have to get it together, because I just don’t have it in me to turn tricks for a living.

    Tracey and Amol are getting married. He proposed on St. Valentine’s day with a pretty decent ring. I’m helping to plan the wedding. It’s going to be great! They’re also buying a townhouse in Accokeek. It’s really nice. We’ll most likely end up hanging out over there a lot. They’ll get tired of us.

    *eyes getting heavy*

    I stayed up late last night and had Tuey do my hair. It looks cute, but it really does take about 45 minutes to get from her house to mine. The only reason it even made it on the BCM is because of this guy who happened to move into the neighborhood across the street from her.

    I need this guy to get up so I can get that plug over there. Battery is at 22% now. The little caution sign is up.

    YAY! He’s up! The old Asian guy is looking at me funny because of how fast I jumped up to move over to the plug. Or maybe he’s just looking at me funny just because there’s nothing else to look at in the room. Regardless, I’m plugged in and a little more awake now.

    I spent the majority of this past weekend eating out. Like I do nothing else but go out to dinner. Friday I went to Gladys Knight’s Chicken and Waffle’s because Maria had apparently been craving waffles that weren’t Eggo and we don’t have a Waffle House around here. Afterward we went to this spot called Mezza Luna. I did some free promotion for them one night while I was helping the girls at a Tabi (Bonney) event. It wasn’t bad, but there weren’t a lot of people there that night.

    (Someone else has come in so creepy Asian guy finally stopped staring.)

    (Heh, so someone finally picked up T.O.? Good for him.)

    Saturday I spent most of the day in the house while the others went to the baby shower of this girl we used to hang with. Eventually they called and said they wanted to go out. We decided we’d head down to the Harbor and go to this ranch-type bar place that opened not too long ago. Once we got there, they said that there was about an hour and a half to two hours. We decided to go Busboys and Poets.

    We were actually in two cars. Tracey and I rode together and Maria drove with Kamaria and Carmelita. Tracey and I got there first and managed to find a space not too far away from the restaurant. It took us another 30 minutes to find a space for Maria. Tracey and I literally had to stalk a girl coming out of the restaurant to her parking space so that we could save it for Maria. In the end we got to the restaurant and had a nice table off to the side where we drank nicely and laughed loudly.

    Sunday morning is my usual brunch day. I always invite everyone else as a courtesy, but it’s something that I’d do on my own if need be. I find it very therapeutic. Nice quiet Sunday, good food, mimosas. This Sunday we tried to go to this place we passed a few Sundays ago. I forgot the name so I didn’t get to research it. Of course, when we got there, we found out that it served predominantly Mexican based foods, which is nice and all, but I really wasn’t feeling Mexican for brunch. Thankfully, it was on 18th St. not far from Adams Morgan. So we walked up (stopping to buy a couple of vinyl records on the way) and found a place that I had actually thought about coming to called La Fourchette. The food was delicious, though poor Carmelita found a hair in her eggs. But damn it, those eggs were good.

    *sigh* Some guy just came in and turned up the TV. I think ESPN is best viewed with no sound. Watching it was one thing… hear it, entirely different.

    After we left there, I went to pick Kristy up because we were supposed to be hanging out that afternoon and brunch ran a little over. She rode with us as we went to view the model home for Tracey and Amol’s house. We “Ooo’d” and “Ahhh’d” for a while, then I took everyone home and Kristy and I went down to Gallery Place and ate at this (African?) chicken place called Something Peri Peri (Nando's Peri Peri). I wasn’t really hungry so I just had a salad and a pitcher of Sangria.

    Is this all I have time for now? A series of meals with varying friends so that I can keep in contact with them? I suppose so. This is my life.

    Looking back at this I’ve come to realize that Twitter has obviously affected how I write out my thoughts. If they weren’t all over the place before, they sure are now.
    I’m sexually attracted to one of my classmates. What’s bad is that I don’t actually like them at all. Like they get on my nerves… but I’d totally go for a tussle in the sheets if the chance presented itself.


    Monday, September 08, 2008

    A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

    I dreamt about him last night. He’s barely been on my conscious mind since I realized that it was over, but last night just went to show that my subconscious still has him on the brain. I shouldn’t take it too seriously as it was just a dream… but it was such as nice dream.

    I’m not really going to delve into what it was all about because I’m not sure how I feel about the whole thing, yet.

    “It’s just a dream. Why not just talk about it?”

    Well because if it really is something that I want, then it’s really closer to a wish and I’ve always felt like if you talk about something too much, then it won’t happen. So right now, I have to determine if I want it to happen.

    Tuesday, August 26, 2008

    Jury Duty

    So, I’m here at jury duty. Thank Yevon they let me bring my laptop. I think I may have died if they didn’t. This room is full of people who just look completely pissed off that they’re here, which is totally understandable. This whole thing is so whack. I mean, I understand why it’s done and it’s necessary, but it’s so damn inconvenient.

    They’ve got us sitting here watching this video that’s supposed to explain the whole jury process to us. The problem is this video is 1) a video not a DVD. Hell, it might as well have been shown on a projector. And then 2) the video looks like it was made in 1987. It so reminds me as to why the 80s need to stay in the 80s. This whole video is actually pretty pointless to me. Honestly, in this day and age with Court TV and 15 different versions of Law and Order on television everyone should know how to be a juror. It really isn’t rocket science or spatial physics.

    … Sweet Yevon… the clothing is terrible. This video makes me cry. I’m truly afraid that if they choose me I’ll come back with feathered hair.

    Anyway, let’s talk about something else. Let’s talk about the fact that I’m being uber busy with life. I’m still up for that promotion at work and I’m waiting on Connie to say something about it. At this point I don’t see why I shouldn’t get it, but we’ll see what they say. If/when I get it, it will definitely increase my work load. Thankfully I’ll still be able to maintain that it’s just to stay at work and doesn’t have to come home with me.

    I’m also working on getting back into school. I’ve basically been accepted, I just need to work on getting my money/loans together and all of the paperwork completed. Once I start school (two weeks from now) I’ll be going full-time in the evenings. So I’ll leave straight from work to class and most likely home. Though depending on when I get out, I may be able to do some late not workouts as I don’t see when I’ll possibly be able to do it any other time. This’ll be for the majority of the week and even though I won’t have class on Fridays, they have more in depth studies that they recommend that you join, so I may have to give up some of my Fridays.

    I’m effing hungry…

    I’ll also be attempting to maintain that social life which I refuse to get rid of. Though we’ll see how long that lasts. Not that it really matters seeing as I’m not seeing anyone right now.

    Ugh, I want this chick next to me to stop asking me these second answer questions. Clearly, you were called and you had to come in. If you’re here, then you have to wait. If you leave, they come and get you. It’s all on the paper they sent and was clearly just explained again by the woman up front.

    *sigh*… I think I’ll write this paper now.

    Wednesday, August 20, 2008

    Back in the Flow... Kind of

    These last two days have picked up for me in the romantic sense. Not overly so, but just surprisingly. Mind you, I recently got into it with my ex and we kind of aren’t really talking now. I know, I was all ooey-gooey about him in my last few blogs and I still do love him, but he makes me mad sometimes and I have this stupid reaction where I hold things in until it blows out all at once. But whatever. So between my interaction with him (and without him) and my oh-so busy life, I haven’t really had much time to talk to or really get to know and connect with other guys. But if today and yesterday are any indication, I may be just fine.

    Over the weekend I caught a cold and have been suffering through it since. Yesterday, I decided to take off from work because I just felt terrible. While I laid in bed sick this guy that I recently gave my number to called. He knew I was sick, but called to check up on me to see how I was. Now this was surprising to me seeing as I give my number to guys and they never call. Anyway, through my nasal voice we still managed to have a decent conversation. I seemed intelligent, accomplished, and kind of funny. I may potentially let him take me out.

    Then today I was able to catch up with the photographer that I worked with the other week. We were supposed to get together last week to go over my photos, but we both ended up having to cancel each time. So when I brought it up to him today he suggested we meet someplace in town. He also said that he owed me dinner for the shoot. This was news to me so I kind of laughed about it, but said okay. At this point, I’m used to working with photographers who aren’t overly professional. Also I did the shots for free and I’m not really one to turn down a free meal.

    So, he asked me what my favorite restaurant was, but seeing as I don’t actually have one that went nowhere. So (to be funny I suppose) he suggested McDonald’s. That got an immediate “No” from me. I suggested Busboys, but he said that it’s always so noisy there and there tends to be a lot of gays there, *laugh*. I, honestly, hadn’t noticed. But I guess in retrospect I did manage to run into two guys that I had messed with and a waiter who was clearly gay (and had some negative comments for me too, I might add) so I guess his statement could be true. So, seeing as we’re just going over my photos, I told him that we really could go somewhere else as it really didn’t matter to me, just as long as it wasn’t McDonald’s. Then he says, “Well how about someplace romantic?”

    Now, I know there was a bit of a lead up to that, but seeing as I was thinking solely of business and nothing of pleasure, it kind of caught me off guard. I will admit, I did find him attractive especially during the shoot, but I had placed him in that “Business” area of my mind that I didn’t associate with anything else. Then he mentioned this really nice restaurant on Connecticut Ave that’s something like expensive and commented about bringing flowers and chocolates. I laughed as I don’t really expect that sort of think and told him to forgo the flowers and chocolate seeing as the flowers would die and the chocolate I’d just eventually end up giving away (most likely it would stay in my house until the nephews came and I’d give it to them). So, I have a date set for tomorrow (screw the pictures, they were just headshots anyway).

    This evening I went to a workshop and audition. When I got there I found a parking space right out front. Of course, since I passed my driving test, my parallel parking skills went to shit and I really, really suck at it now. So I’m trying to back into the space and I see this guy waiting outside watching. It’s funny because I had to pull out and back in about three times before I got it right. When I got in the space and headed inside he was in there and commented on how he thought I’d never get in the space. We sparked up a little conversation. I can’t be certain, but I was definitely getting the feeling he wasn’t interested in me. After we were done and everyone was going home, I think I managed to unknowingly flirt with one of the girls that we were there with. Right after he immediately asked me which way I was heading. I told him and he asked if I could drop him at the train station (seeing as all of the stations are super far away from where we were and it was dark outside). So I decided to go ahead, as I’m a nice guy.

    On the way there was some of that “getting to know you” conversation. It was still in that area where “I’m trying to get a feel for you, to see if you’re gay or not and if so would you be interested in me”. Well before it could get any further my phone rings. It’s Jon. Now for those of you who don’t know who Jon is, go to my old blog on LiveJournal and find out. Anyway, we’re still talking, but he’s over in Iraq right now. Since he’s been over there, he’s been keeping in closer contact with me. Kind of like a connection to home or something. We’ve actually kind of stepped into the roles as each other’s non-boyfriend boyfriend. I worry about him, and he calls and tells me he’s okay and how much he misses me.

    It’s really been a while since I’ve gotten this much attention from multiple guys and actually welcomed it. As usual, it’ll most likely fade, but it is nice to be back here.