A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

I dreamt about him last night. He’s barely been on my conscious mind since I realized that it was over, but last night just went to show that my subconscious still has him on the brain. I shouldn’t take it too seriously as it was just a dream… but it was such as nice dream.

I’m not really going to delve into what it was all about because I’m not sure how I feel about the whole thing, yet.

“It’s just a dream. Why not just talk about it?”

Well because if it really is something that I want, then it’s really closer to a wish and I’ve always felt like if you talk about something too much, then it won’t happen. So right now, I have to determine if I want it to happen.

Jury Duty

So, I’m here at jury duty. Thank Yevon they let me bring my laptop. I think I may have died if they didn’t. This room is full of people who just look completely pissed off that they’re here, which is totally understandable. This whole thing is so whack. I mean, I understand why it’s done and it’s necessary, but it’s so damn inconvenient.

They’ve got us sitting here watching this video that’s supposed to explain the whole jury process to us. The problem is this video is 1) a video not a DVD. Hell, it might as well have been shown on a projector. And then 2) the video looks like it was made in 1987. It so reminds me as to why the 80s need to stay in the 80s. This whole video is actually pretty pointless to me. Honestly, in this day and age with Court TV and 15 different versions of Law and Order on television everyone should know how to be a juror. It really isn’t rocket science or spatial physics.

… Sweet Yevon… the clothing is terrible. This video makes me cry. I’m truly afraid that if they choose me I’ll come back with feathered hair.

Anyway, let’s talk about something else. Let’s talk about the fact that I’m being uber busy with life. I’m still up for that promotion at work and I’m waiting on Connie to say something about it. At this point I don’t see why I shouldn’t get it, but we’ll see what they say. If/when I get it, it will definitely increase my work load. Thankfully I’ll still be able to maintain that it’s just to stay at work and doesn’t have to come home with me.

I’m also working on getting back into school. I’ve basically been accepted, I just need to work on getting my money/loans together and all of the paperwork completed. Once I start school (two weeks from now) I’ll be going full-time in the evenings. So I’ll leave straight from work to class and most likely home. Though depending on when I get out, I may be able to do some late not workouts as I don’t see when I’ll possibly be able to do it any other time. This’ll be for the majority of the week and even though I won’t have class on Fridays, they have more in depth studies that they recommend that you join, so I may have to give up some of my Fridays.

I’m effing hungry…

I’ll also be attempting to maintain that social life which I refuse to get rid of. Though we’ll see how long that lasts. Not that it really matters seeing as I’m not seeing anyone right now.

Ugh, I want this chick next to me to stop asking me these second answer questions. Clearly, you were called and you had to come in. If you’re here, then you have to wait. If you leave, they come and get you. It’s all on the paper they sent and was clearly just explained again by the woman up front.

*sigh*… I think I’ll write this paper now.

Back in the Flow... Kind of

These last two days have picked up for me in the romantic sense. Not overly so, but just surprisingly. Mind you, I recently got into it with my ex and we kind of aren’t really talking now. I know, I was all ooey-gooey about him in my last few blogs and I still do love him, but he makes me mad sometimes and I have this stupid reaction where I hold things in until it blows out all at once. But whatever. So between my interaction with him (and without him) and my oh-so busy life, I haven’t really had much time to talk to or really get to know and connect with other guys. But if today and yesterday are any indication, I may be just fine.

Over the weekend I caught a cold and have been suffering through it since. Yesterday, I decided to take off from work because I just felt terrible. While I laid in bed sick this guy that I recently gave my number to called. He knew I was sick, but called to check up on me to see how I was. Now this was surprising to me seeing as I give my number to guys and they never call. Anyway, through my nasal voice we still managed to have a decent conversation. I seemed intelligent, accomplished, and kind of funny. I may potentially let him take me out.

Then today I was able to catch up with the photographer that I worked with the other week. We were supposed to get together last week to go over my photos, but we both ended up having to cancel each time. So when I brought it up to him today he suggested we meet someplace in town. He also said that he owed me dinner for the shoot. This was news to me so I kind of laughed about it, but said okay. At this point, I’m used to working with photographers who aren’t overly professional. Also I did the shots for free and I’m not really one to turn down a free meal.

So, he asked me what my favorite restaurant was, but seeing as I don’t actually have one that went nowhere. So (to be funny I suppose) he suggested McDonald’s. That got an immediate “No” from me. I suggested Busboys, but he said that it’s always so noisy there and there tends to be a lot of gays there, *laugh*. I, honestly, hadn’t noticed. But I guess in retrospect I did manage to run into two guys that I had messed with and a waiter who was clearly gay (and had some negative comments for me too, I might add) so I guess his statement could be true. So, seeing as we’re just going over my photos, I told him that we really could go somewhere else as it really didn’t matter to me, just as long as it wasn’t McDonald’s. Then he says, “Well how about someplace romantic?”

Now, I know there was a bit of a lead up to that, but seeing as I was thinking solely of business and nothing of pleasure, it kind of caught me off guard. I will admit, I did find him attractive especially during the shoot, but I had placed him in that “Business” area of my mind that I didn’t associate with anything else. Then he mentioned this really nice restaurant on Connecticut Ave that’s something like expensive and commented about bringing flowers and chocolates. I laughed as I don’t really expect that sort of think and told him to forgo the flowers and chocolate seeing as the flowers would die and the chocolate I’d just eventually end up giving away (most likely it would stay in my house until the nephews came and I’d give it to them). So, I have a date set for tomorrow (screw the pictures, they were just headshots anyway).

This evening I went to a workshop and audition. When I got there I found a parking space right out front. Of course, since I passed my driving test, my parallel parking skills went to shit and I really, really suck at it now. So I’m trying to back into the space and I see this guy waiting outside watching. It’s funny because I had to pull out and back in about three times before I got it right. When I got in the space and headed inside he was in there and commented on how he thought I’d never get in the space. We sparked up a little conversation. I can’t be certain, but I was definitely getting the feeling he wasn’t interested in me. After we were done and everyone was going home, I think I managed to unknowingly flirt with one of the girls that we were there with. Right after he immediately asked me which way I was heading. I told him and he asked if I could drop him at the train station (seeing as all of the stations are super far away from where we were and it was dark outside). So I decided to go ahead, as I’m a nice guy.

On the way there was some of that “getting to know you” conversation. It was still in that area where “I’m trying to get a feel for you, to see if you’re gay or not and if so would you be interested in me”. Well before it could get any further my phone rings. It’s Jon. Now for those of you who don’t know who Jon is, go to my old blog on LiveJournal and find out. Anyway, we’re still talking, but he’s over in Iraq right now. Since he’s been over there, he’s been keeping in closer contact with me. Kind of like a connection to home or something. We’ve actually kind of stepped into the roles as each other’s non-boyfriend boyfriend. I worry about him, and he calls and tells me he’s okay and how much he misses me.

It’s really been a while since I’ve gotten this much attention from multiple guys and actually welcomed it. As usual, it’ll most likely fade, but it is nice to be back here.

I Want You

OMG!!!! I’m losing my fucking mind over here!

This past weekend we went to NYC. Now I haven’t been up there since the earlier part of this year, but I absolutely love it! Always have. I’ve been working on a way to move up there. I’d love to sit here and talk about all the things we did, the places we went, the clothes we bought, the places we ate, but that is so not what this blog is about.

What really boosted this trip for me is that I managed to see my most recent ex who I haven’t seen in more than a year. The thing is no matter how much shit we went through, I was and still am so in love with this boy. Yeah, I said I didn’t care whether we got back together or not, and I didn’t. I’m also fully prepared to keep it moving if we don’t because we don’t always get what we want. But, sweet Yevon, it was so good seeing him. Fuck ‘good’! It was GREAT!!! It was fantastically wonderful! Brilliantly stupendous! Ecstatically exceptional (or something like that)! Every part of me reached out for him and no part of me wanted to let go.

It’s just so hard having these feelings pent up inside with no outlet. So once I saw him, it was like a floodgate being opened. Even our serious discussions were full of smiles because we couldn’t stop enjoying the presence of one another. And from the moment we parted ways to right this very second, I want nothing but to be right back there with him. Hell, from just seeing a text message from him my whole body tingles.

So please excuse me while I drift between a sweet feeling of near euphoria and a deep longing… please, talk amongst your selves. I’ll give you a topic: Grape-Nuts cereal contains neither grapes nor nuts… discuss.

Offensive?

So I’m sitting here today reading this story about Naomi Campbell once again getting off with a slap on the wrist for assaulting more people (that bitch is crazy) and at one point she mentions that she was actually already angered because she overheard someone call her a golliwog. Now I may seem like a know-it-all sometimes, but I really didn’t know what a golliwog was. So I did some research and found out. (Check out this link.)

So I began to think, “Hell, I’d be offended too”, but then I thought a little more. I didn’t know what this word meant until five minutes ago. Would I really have been offended? This lead me to think about whether certain words are still offensive if the person that they’re geared towards doesn’t know what the word means.

*eats another gummi worm*

I began to think about it as being offensive regardless as the person who used it meant for it to offend, so it is. But, then I thought about the situation in which the person who used it may be ignorant to the actual meaning of the word. I know it sounds silly, but it happens. An example of this (as silly as this may seem, I still think it’s a good one) is in the movie Clerks II when Randal uses the term “Porch Monkey”. He wasn’t aware until they told him that the term was racist as he’d apparently been raised to hearing the term being used constantly. So what then? Is it still technically offensive? What if neither party involved knows that the term is an offensive term, would it still be offensive then?

*bites the head off another gummi worm*

What are your thoughts?

The End of an Era?

I’ve come to realize that in the passing weeks since Mike tried to end things with me (then ended up talking to me again just a little over a week later) that my feelings for him have drastically changed. I honestly haven’t thought about him as much as I did before. I’m not really all that concerned with what he’s been doing with himself. When he doesn’t get back to me, then he doesn’t get back to me, I don’t really trip about it anymore.

I think what’s happened is that I (fully) realized that we are (or at least always have been) each other’s option. Though I did care about him, I really did bounce him back and forth as I did break things off with him a few times just to want him back a few days later. And he’s never actually prioritized me when it came to anything. Initially, maybe… But as time went on it really became pretty obvious where I stood with him and it really wasn’t very close to the top. Now I think that I finally accept it. I’m not even mad about it. Why continually get mad over something that apparently isn’t going to change.

I really worried about my feelings on this situation, too. I mean, to go from loving someone so much that the thought of losing them makes you cry to just being completely indifferent about them seems pretty bad. But I don’t think that I stopped loving him. I just think I don’t care as much about us being together as I used to. If we are, then fine. If not, then I’ll just move on.

I’m realizing that it’s kind of starting to sound like my mom’s relationship with her boyfriend. I briefly asked her about it in passing (I’m trying to be a little more open with her about my relationships) and I could see where the similarities lie. Well, I suppose like mother, like son. *shrugs*

I'd Rather Go Blind... Than Deal With This Crap Again

This post is actually extremely behind, but I had to say something seeing as current events have brought it back in the foreground. Please be advised that this may be my gayest post yet. And that includes the posts that talk about me in relationships and having sex with guys.

For those that don’t know, I actually am a fan of musicals. One of my favorites happens to be Dreamgirls. After experiencing it, I completely fell in love with it. The story, the music. I loved the whole thing. If I could sing, I swear I would love to perform in it (maybe as C.C.). Maybe even direct a performance at some point. So needless to say, when I heard about them making the movie a couple of years ago, I was thrilled. Finally! I get to see it on big screen!

When they began to announce the cast I was wary as I’m not a huge fan for either Beyonce or Jamie Foxx, but I had too much confidence in the story itself to think that they alone could destroy it. And I was right… they didn’t do it by themselves. What follows is a list of what killed that movie:

• Beyonce was not a good Deena. I don’t care what her fans say, she never should have been Deena. I don’t like her, but that’s not why I say this. I say it because the character of Deena isn’t supposed to have a strong voice. Deena’s voice is supposed to be light and airy to appeal to the white audiences of the 60s and 70s. And while Beyonce’s wailing is what’s hot with the pop world today, it wouldn’t have done so well back then.
• I understand their need to flesh out the stage characters for the movie by adding more to the script, but unfortunately they sacrificed a lot of what I believe to be good growth potential for characters for the simple fact of wanting to boost the “big name’s” screen time. They neglected the other lead characters like C.C. and Lorelle. Turning Lorelle into a spaz and totally down playing C.C. and Michelle’s relationship.
• Their need to make it tie closely with Motown and the Supremes was inappropriate. I know that the original story was loosely based on the real life events of what happened with the Supremes, but that’s just it… loosely. Why not just leave it the way it was? I’m certain the Dreams would have stood just fine without being seen as a fictional Supremes. Curtis didn’t need to be a fake Barry Gordie. The way they did it, they turned them into Motown, while in the play, they actually just make references to the actual Motown as if they’re both two separate entities.
• The removal of “Ain’t No Party” which is Lorelle’s big song in the middle of Act 2 where she finally drops Jimmy (who isn’t supposed to die). I heard the reasoning for dropping it… I still don’t approve. It’s once again kicking her character to the back to make room for the “bigger” people.
• “Listen”
• The musical production which made the songs way more modern than they should have been. Maybe it’s just me, maybe I’m the only one that wants to hear the music in a movie that takes place in the 60s and 70s sound like the music that was around the 60s and 70s.

My rant actually goes on longer than this, but I really think I just need to make my point. You see what actually brought me to talk about this today was that I recently (well actually a few weeks ago) heard about Beyonce starring in a new movie and playing Etta James. When I finally decided to look it up on the rest of the web, 1.) because I needed to see if this shit was true and 2.) I had to see if she really did look like Sean Combs’ mom with the Etta wig on like Kristy said she did (and she does). Once I started reading the comments I began to realize how ridiculous people could be.

There were people actually arguing that Beyonce is going to be perfect for this role. Why? How?

Her appearance. She’s super pretty and she’s light-skinned like Etta.

She looks nothing like Etta, and as dear, sweet Kyeifa mentioned, Etta was on the thick side and Beyonce isn’t there. I’m not saying Beyonce is skinny, I’m saying the chick isn’t the same kind of thick. So then what?

Her acting ability. She was great in “Carmen: A Hip-hopera” and I loved her in “Goldmember”. She should have won that Oscar, too!

You really believe that she should have won that Oscar and Jennifer shouldn’t have? Really? Really? So Beyonce should have won against the likes of Meryl Streep and Helen Merrin? Really? Well I guess it was just silly of me to think that some one needs some form of skill to actually win an Oscar. Not saying the Jennifer is a great actress, I’m just saying that when it came to the category she was in, she did pretty well.

Well, how about her singing? Surely that’s why she’d be perfect for this role. She’s the best singer ever!

Um, how about no. Though I won’t deny that Beyonce can sing, I will say that her voice does not fit with Etta James’. Etta has this soulful, bluesy sound that rubs you wrong but still makes you feel great when listening to her. Beyonce yodels.

Now this isn’t an attack on Beyonce, really. I don’t like to her enough to really dedicate a whole blog to her. What this blog is about and what it’s been about from the beginning is… America’s willingness to accept anything pushed in front of them because it’s pretty. They could have cast anyone else in that role. A number of people would have probably been a better choice for the role (just like with Dreamgirls) but they went with style over substance so that they could gain the big bucks in the end. They chose rather than to tell a good story in a good way (I’m just assuming at this point as the movie is still in production) to tell good story in an okay way with a pretty cover.

What’s that old adage? No matter how much you shine shit in the end it’s still shit. Well maybe it isn't, but it should be.

Untitled Entry #68

Am I just fooling myself?

Have I just been conning myself for this past year?

Has this past year of me saying that I’d rather just be single really just been a cover-up for me wanting to get back with Mike?

But technically I’ve already admitted that to myself. Maybe it’s just the dream I’m waiting for. Maybe I’ve attached all of my hopes for the future- for love- onto him and I’m really just setting myself up for the fall. Because I know how he is. I know where his priorities lie. But not I’m afraid that I’m too deep in. I’m feeling like I’ve shut other guys out for so long that it might be near impossible right now for me to open up to someone new.

I no longer look at guys as potential suitors. I just view them as a means to an end. Someone who’s there to help me get off and then leave alone until the next time. But it’s not just that I view them this way. I feel as though they see me in a similar fashion. And those that don’t, I tend to view as saps and potential nuisances. Am I too far gone? Am I stuck in a delusional world of my own creation? Are these my insecurities or is it just me trying so hard to be different, but failing miserably?

Like most people, I just wish things could be so much easier. But I guess this is just apart of life to see if we’re strong enough to deal.

I haven't posted in a while because, to be quite honest, I forgot about this blog. I've been posting on other sites and I think I'll pick up on posting here though my readership will be down (like I got impressive numbers elsewhere). So I'll just pick up from my new posts instead of just trying to import all of my entries since 2006.

Friends...

...how many of us have them?

When is a friendship over? Do true friends really stay there through it all? Or is it okay to say that you can’t deal with the other person’s problems anymore?

Recently I lost a friend. Not to some horrible disease, death, or car accident. No, I lost her to herself.

“What the hell does that mean?”

Sometime in June of 2007, this friend of mine began talking to this guy. They hung out and everything and by week two of knowing each other, they were a couple. By week three, they were in love. I was never really thrilled about the idea of her rushing into this thing with this guy, but I let it ride out for a while. By July I made up in my mind that I really didn’t like this guy and that my friend could do way better, but I left it alone because it was her relationship. By August, the boyfriend had moved in with her at her mother’s house. Now, the reasoning seemed somewhat valid, but not enough that he should have stayed there for more than a week or two. For a while she was planning on getting an apartment with him, but they kept running into financial issues. In the end it seems as if she’s been taking care of him more and more since they first met and this is the same thing that happened with her previous boyfriends.

Now, even though this isn’t really about him he’s got his own issues. Aside from his bad financial choices (he has enough for a really nice car, but can’t afford to get his own place) he has serious insecurity problems. He made her throw away her perfectly fine bed sheets (in the bed she is nice enough to allow him to lay in while he’s “homeless”) because he felt like she disrespected him by allowing him to sleep on the same sheets that she (long before they even met) had sex with someone else on. Though she’s always had male friends, he doesn’t like when she associates with them unless they’re either me or her other gay friend because he knows that we’re gay (though he was still suspicious of Kevin since he hadn’t met him). He’s said on multiple occasions that he feels like out of all of her relationships he considers that her relationship with him is the only real one. Whenever he sees a picture of one of her exes he makes sure to say how ugly they are in comparison to him (which really isn’t even the case because clearly we call him “Wildebeest” when we talk about him. What does that tell you?). He’s asked her about her past sexual experiences in detail (i.e. “How many have you been with?” “How many did you swallow for?” “Who was the biggest?”). Then proceeded to ask why she wasn’t still with the guy with the biggest… as if she were that shallow.

Either in the end of September or the first week of October she and he got into a big fight that resulted in her coming over to see us at another friends house.. The fight was about something very stupid. Something that was once again spawned by his insecurities. When she arrived she was almost in tears and explains the whole thing to us. She then tells us that he ran outside after her and stood in front of her car while she was trying to come to us. He then hopped in his car and followed her for a few blocks. It was a little crazy if you ask me. After a few hours of talking to her (and a very hostile voice mail from him declaring that it was over between them) she went home, but ended up coming back to my house and spending the night because she wasn’t ready to go home if he was still there. By Tuesday of the following week she said that she had deleted all of the numbers of her male friends out of her phone and that she was going to do “whatever it takes to make this work”. Mind you that she has never cheated on anyone she’s been with.

We, as a group of concerned friends, had already been discussing the things going on with her. After that night, we determined that it wasn’t really the guys that were the main issue, but her choice in them and the decisions she makes pertaining to them. We discussed it heavily, taking the time to look at her past relationships how she handled them and decided it was time to talk to her about it. It actually grew to be a little bigger than what it initially started out as (as is always the case) and to this day is dubbed “the Intervention”. So a week or two later, we invited her over to another friend’s house where we hung out for a while, then (and this was a little extra) Kamaria pulled out the manila folders which contained information about women in bad relationships, statistics of abusive relationships, signs of abusive relationships, and information on sexually transmitted diseases. All very important, though a bit over the top. WE basically summed up that we notice the pattern in the guys that she dates and that we want her to really evaluate it herself. Of course she felt as though she had been attacked.

Afterwards she didn’t talk to any of us for a few weeks. We, as cubicle/office jockeys, communicate through email all day. We continued to include her and invite her out with us, as to us nothing had changed, but she would never really respond. It took about two weeks for her to begin speaking again, but even then it seemed strained, as if she didn’t really want to, but since we were still talking to her she might as well. She didn’t actually make it out again with us until the end of November when we all went out for mine and Cherrish’s birthday. She complained a bit and was the first to leave. We continued to communicate with her and invite her to do things with us, but she would always make excuses or just not say anything at all.

Eventually it got the point where the excuses were tired and non-communication was old, so I decided to make it known to everyone that I would no longer include her on any of the emails because it was pointless to continue to speak to someone who acts like they don’t really want to talk. That was about two weeks ago.

Last Wednesday, I received an email notification from my MySpace account letting me know a new blog had been posted. This isn’t normally surprising, except that it was a blog posted by her, which is something that isn’t done often. So I went and read it. Basically, it talked about how lonely she is now and how she never does anything anymore except going to work and going home. She then talked about how she had difficulty reconnecting with people, and how no one really talks to her anymore. She mentioned how she didn’t like people trying to run her life and that she wants to keep her friendships and her relationship separate. Also how she didn’t want to have to choose between her friends and her relationship because she’s already confused as it is.

I read this blog and, honestly, I laughed. I really felt like, at this point, she had brought all of this on herself. She was the one that cut us out and when we finally decide to let go, she becomes upset. It also was her that deleted the numbers of all of her male friends from her phone and vowed to never talk to them unless they called her. And her other close friends… well, we noticed that she treats them not so great either. As for forcing a choice upon her, we never once asked her to choose between us. We’ve all dealt with dumb guys in the past that our entire group may not like and may think we ought to leave alone. But, as we always do, we let that person know how we feel and leave them to make their own decision in the end. That night two of my friends decided to respond to it (though I told them not to). They basically said what I just mentioned and a little more, but all leaving the door open to accept her back as a friend. By Friday our response came as her taking the blog down (comments and all) and putting up a picture of her and her boyfriend.

None of this really bothered me too much. I actually find it humorous that they still, even up to last week, tried to reach out to her. I had already determined that I could never really be her friend again. She was a cool friend when I considered her as such, but in the end you basically have to sum it up as her leaving all of her friends behind (all of whom she’s known since high school) for a guy that she met at a bar not even a year ago. To me, that completely disregards everything we’ve been through as friends and I refuse to tolerate that.