Monday, October 24, 2011

Mind Spew

I haven't posted here in ages. I've been so caught up in my life that I haven't had time. And when I do have time I don't feel like I have anything worth posting. Tonight, I feel I do.

At this moment I feel like I'm writing for my sanity. I've been so in my head about so many things that I feel like I'm seriously driving myself mental. I'm worried that I'll just shut down soon. Close everyone out seclude myself and live as a hermit. Which is the exact opposite of what I want! I'm almost certain this jumble of thoughts will come out... well... jumbled, and I have no intention of trying to clear them up because this isn't for anyone else but me.

I just keep feeling lonely. I have friends, and I spend time with them, but beyond that I feel like I need that next level with someone and it's just not happening. Also, with the friends aspect, I continue to feel socially awkward. I make the effort to go out with my friends, but I tend to end up feeling like the third wheel or the odd man out. I almost always feel like I don't have much to contribute to the conversation and tend to just sit back and listen. Just sitting there and listening never gives people the chance to know you.

A lot of people think they know me. They make the usual assumptions about me from the surface aspects that they pick up. One of the biggest ones is that because I'm pretty much an out gay male I automatically am okay with being addressed in a less than masculine manner. No! Don't call me "bitch", "girl/gyrl" or anything along those lines. Please don't do the sassy gay neck roll and finger snap. They assume that I'm going to be just like that other queen-y, black gay guy that they know that has the Prada purse and goes to balls and vogues and uses the words "fabulous" and [shudders] "fierce" ad nauseam . Sorry, that's not me. Never has been. Never will be.

As for a relationship, well hell. I try not to talk about it too much because I don't want to be seen as one of those whine-y people that always feels like they need someone. That just can't seem to function in life without being in a relationship. Acting as though they're starved for love and affection and as soon as they get it, cling on to the point of suffocation. Not only do I not want to be seen as that person, I don't want to be that person. I do want to find someone special, I do want to settle down and be happy with them, but I don't want that to be my main driving point for getting to know/meet people. But I find myself doing just that. I mean someone and once I determine if there might be a spark of interest in the them the first place my mind goes is "could I be in a relationship with this person? Would it be long term?" I feel like this is crazy especially so soon, and I feel kind of clingy and stalker-ish because of it. So every time I find someone I'm interested in, I spend the entire time second guessing myself because I'm worried that I'm coming off as a clinger. Or maybe as that annoying guy that you went on a date with and thought was okay, but not enough to keep around and you kind of wish he'd stop calling/texting but you don't want to be mean because he's a nice guy and the sex was good (if things got that far). Obviously that's not who I want to be. I want to be the one you can't wait to hear from. That you call just to say hi to. I don't need 20 calls a day.

Ugh... head still not clear. Too much bottled up, too many thoughts. Maybe I should start seeing a shrink again. I haven't done that in a while.